Wednesday, February 02, 2005

State of the Union address

Well, I didn't mean to leave things so long that I would be having the State of the Union address going on, but I did, so I might as well blog.

(But first, the dog is restless. And with all due regard to Mr. President, the dog's business most certainly takes priority. Plus, I'm recording ...)

***
Okay, that took longer than I thought. Not my fault ... the dog insisted that I get a wine spritzer. ("What? More wine? Oh, Clemmie, what a bad doggie.")

But the funny thing is that you can hear the important part from downstairs. Yes, the major player is ... the applause. It went on and on and on. I thought for a minute he had shown Ted Kennedy a certain purple-dyed finger.

I forgot this about the SofU speech -- it's a big Applause-o-Matic thing. Afterwards, every news show will have the count. How much applause, how many standing ovations and were they partial (usually Republicans, of course) or total and so on.

Ha! Some poor schmuck mistook a pause for an applause cue. He was clapping the heck out it before he realized that he was clapping for something bad. Face! (as the surfer-guys used to say)

Okay, here's another new tactic -- the Democrats are harrumphing and booing as Bush talks about what's wrong with Social Security. I'm certain the news guys will spend some time on that. It's very British really, if you've ever tuned in the Parliament, but it seems like bad form to me. Plus, they're harrumphing about him saying what's already wrong with the system. You never know if the LeftLoons are swooning over that ("All RIGHT! Taking a brave stand at last! Listen to Kennedy harrumph, by golly!"), but it makes them sound just like they're at war with the facts, if you ask me.

(snicker) I'm sorry, but the sideshow of the speech is better than the speech. They show individual senators from time to time, and you could judge party with no help whatsoever.
Democrat: pissy/depressed/constipated
Republican: beaming/inspired/slightly insane
Orrin Hatch: asleep


Well, he moved on to preserving man/woman marriage and the Dems are sitting on their shiftless butts for the standing ovation. What a bunch of wienies.

He's making some noises about judicial activism, but it's always on the way to making another amendment. Heck, let's legislate against judicial activism. Let's put three-strikes to use where it'll do some good, for heaven's sake.

Okay, I didn't even hear the point, but he said "... African-American men and women." And so of course, yep. Bingo. The Dems are standing up. 'Bout time. I figured some of them were just trying to keep their rears from falling asleep.

All right, we're already on to the "protect our children" stuff. Now begins a small laundry list of all kinds of good little ideas that shouldn't really even have to be worth a mention. So why bring them up now? Well, it lets the Dems stand up again. And it keeps stupid people from saying later, "He didn't say ANYthing about our children!! Doesn't he CARE??"

As the Fox commentator said beforehand, the problem with these speeches is that they are naturally so formulaic. And I'll add another thing: they're pie-crust promises (as Mary Poppins said.) Easily made, easily broken:
Bush: I would like this great country to finally recognize the need for every child in our schools to have access to no-carb, calorie-free banana splits WITH multiple cherries on a bi-weekly basis.

Floor erupts in applause. Dems look like they want to steal something. Orrin Hatch snorts out loud.


Not to say that Bush doesn't mean any of this. I think he does. But with the Democrats about to sail off the end of the flat world they live in, does anybody really expect them to act like rational human beings? If Bush announced that he's found a way to drop money out of the sky, they'd shriek about the ecological implications.

Oh major FACE. Joe Biden started a wrongful clap when the camera was on him. Dork.

You know, I like Dick Cheney, but he always looks like a guy who's waiting for the Preparation H to kick in.

And since I'm pointing out details, I'll just say that I must unfortunately agree with the critics that Bush needs to say 'nu-clear' and not 'nu-cular'. Other than that, he's perfect.

Okay, bang-o. We finally got a mention of the Iraqi vote. And yep, some of the senators really do have purple fingers. God bless 'em.

Addendum to Mr. President: It's 'recognize', not 'reckanize'. Other than that, ... y'know.

Bush says that Iraqis have earned the respect of us all. Damn straight.

We have an Iraqi voter in the audience ... WITH the purple finger, of course. And the bad dye job. What is it about Arab women and bad henna hair?

Okay, Cheney really looks like a guy with a problem. I expect him to make those 'speed it up' gestures to Bush any minute.

Uh-oh. Double whammy. Shot of Hillary, looking like death. Shot of Kerry, looking like the undead. Okay, now back to the living.

The troops are great ... applause ... how about those Iraqis ... applause. You know, I have to admire these guys. It's actually quite a workout to clap that much. Try it next time you go see a show. I could see the best production on earth and they're not going to get more than a minute and a half outta me.

And we're introducing parents of a Marine killed in duty. Oh heck, the Iraqi voter is hugging the mom. And the mom gave her her son's dog-tags. All right, I'm sorry if that was scripted. I'm really touched anyway. And of course, the applause. Well, I'll just keep typing and then you'll know how long it went on. Yep, still going .... good. Some things are just good.

That's it for the speech. And right away ... yep, we're getting the count from the Fox guys. Sixty-five interruptions for applause. Bush is shaking hands. And, oh hey, Hatch woke up. Good, good.

***
Oh jeez. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water... Harry (@%$!!) Reid and Nancy (@%&*#$%@^!!!!!) Pelosi are going to set me straight on how Bush is full of it and I desperately need the DNC.
Harry: I knew a little boy once who was good without making a big deal out of it [Um, what?] Bush's policies have added much to the deficit. [No argument there. Bush spends like a Democrat. But the Democrats have a problem like that? I've never understood that.] We need to invest in a Marshall plan for America. National investment created the intenet. [??? Oh, I gotta check that one out on factcheck.org] Health care costs have shot up. We need to make them affordable. Good new jobs, health care... these things matter. Unfortunately, much of what the president talked about doesn't matter. It's just like Groundhog Day. [???!!] And now, I'm going to spin some ridiculous lies to try like mad to scare gullible morons out of doing anything reasonable about Social Security. [Okay, so I'm paraphrasing.]


Harry is trying to look like he's about to read me a bedtime story. It's a big mistake. I'm afraid one misplaced camera shot will show that he's got pointy teeth.

Nancy: Children, America, prayers, America, values, children. Um, ... oh and our troops. Yes, our TROOPS. And ... and patriotism. I love patriotism. I've ordered up a six-pack of patriotism just for the weekend. I'm so patriotic and normal sometimes I mistake myself for a Republican. Okay, are you fooled yet? Good. Then we'll begin. Listen to me carefully. Look into my enormous strangely-wide-open eyes and my enormous shock of hair and listen... you feel sleepy. Bush isn't helping enough with security. We either need more troops or less troops or something. But Bush is bad. Bush is baaad. We here at the DNC see allll kinds of security stuff that we just care about so much we could cry. We aren't just saying this because if Bush said frick we would say frack. No, dang it. We -- me and Groundhog Harry here -- we are incredibly sincere. I can't blink my eyes right now. I don't know why. They just won't shut. I think I got hairspray in my eyes. I hate my hair. I wonder what color it would be if I didn't dye it. I wonder if the Iraqi lady can get me some dye. ...
Oops. Sorry, I kind of drifted off. I was looking at her hair and then ... well, anyway, I'm turning it over to the talking heads now. Clemmie is looking at me and ... what's that, girl? Another spritizer? Oh, you bad, bad dog.

8 Comments:

Blogger The Parson said...

Damn, Grace! I think you've pretty much captured it. Especially with the Groundhog Harry part. The only thing I can add: I reckanize the word is nucular.

February 2, 2005 at 8:29 PM  
Blogger Scott W said...

You're slayin' me, Grace. Again.

February 3, 2005 at 1:02 AM  
Blogger Karl Thienes said...

Grace,

When are you going to stop double posting to your other blog?

February 3, 2005 at 8:32 AM  
Blogger Grace said...

Parson & Scot,
Why, thankee thankee. I felt like I missed something every time I typed, but what are you going to do?


Karl,
What up? I didn't know anyone knew where that site was yet. I'm just getting ready to open it up for business.

February 3, 2005 at 8:34 PM  
Blogger E Rica said...

Oh MY! That was hilarious. Thanks for that.

February 4, 2005 at 7:29 AM  
Blogger jean said...

Like Mad Parson, I reckanize nucular. Bush speaks redneck: that's why we voted for him!

February 5, 2005 at 5:03 PM  
Blogger T.S. Idiot said...

Sheep to her Shepherd:
Can you discern wolf from shepherd. It is certainly more advantageous of the wolf to disguise himself as a shepherd. In fact the more cunning the wold the less likely the sheep would be able to distinguish wolf from shepherd. A subtle distinction would be the wolf's eagerness to attract and retain sheep and his criticism of other shepherds. The wolf would be more interested in luring the sheep with lofty promises and dissuading flight with the most hellish threats. All shepherds should be viewed skeptically, but even wiser would be to avoid shepherd and wolf equally. The sheep should remember that shepherd and wold alike devour their kind.
baa-a-a-a-a
>:}

August 10, 2005 at 1:04 PM  
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